Undersdtand Your Attachment StyleDo you understand your attachment style?  Attachment style is the way you connect and relate to others in relationships.  This is shaped by your early childhood experiences and interractions with caregivers when you were growing up.

It influences how you seek closeness, handle conflict and navigate intimacy.  It affects how you trust, communicate and respond to emotional needs.  They can result in unhealthy coping methods in adulthood too.  Addictions, OCD and eating disorders have been linked to those with severe attachment style issues in some.

There are four main attachment styles – secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant.

Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it provides insight into relationship patterns in your life.  With this insight, you can improve communication and foster healthier connections.  By recognising and working on your attachment tendencies, you can build stronger and more fulfilling relationships whether with romantic partners, friends, family or colleagues.

In this article, we will take a look at the different attachment styles and offer a quick quiz to help you understand what yours might be.

What Are the Main Attachment Styles?

  1. Secure:  comfortable with intimacy and independence
  2. Anxious:  craves closeness but fears rejection
  3. Avoidant:  values independence and struggles with emotional intimacy
  4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised): a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies

Understand Your Attachment Style Quiz

In order to better understand your attachment style, answer these questions and note whether you answer mostly A’s, B’s, C’s or D’s*:

1.  How do yo feel about relying on others?

a) I feel comfortable giving and receiving support

b)  I often worry that others will abandon me

c)  I prefer to handle things on my own and avoid dependence

d)  I want support but feel uneasy trusting others

 

2.  How do you react when conflict arises in a relationship?

a)  I address issues openly and calmly

b)  I become anxious and need assurance

c)  I withdraw or avoid the conversation

d)  I feel torn between wanting closeness and pushing away

 

3.  How do you feel when your partner is emotionally distant?

a)  I trust that they will return and I respect their need for space

b)  I feel insecure and feel they don’t care

c)  I feel relieved and enjoy the space

d)  I feel both hurt and unsure if I should reach out

 

4.  How do you handle emotional vulnerability?

a)  I’m comfortable expressing my emotions

b)  I worry about being too needy or overwhelming others

c)  I avoid sharing my feelings to maintain control

d)  I want to be open but fear rejection and criticism

 

5.  What describes your ideal relationship?

a)  A balanced, supportive partnership with open communication

b)  A close, affectionate relationship with lots of reassurance

c)  A relationship where I can maintain independence without pressure

d)  A relationship where I feel safe but not overwhelmed

 

Your Attachment Style Results and What They Mean

Secure Attachment StyleMostly A’s

You are likely to have a Secure Atttachment Style.  People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence.  They trust others easily, communicate openly, and handle conflicts in a balanced way.  Their relationships are generally stable, supportive, and fulfilling.  Because they are more likely to have had consistent and responsive caregivers growing up, they feel safe expressing emotions and relying on others while maintaining their own independence.  In romantic relationships, they foster deep emotional connections, navigate conflicts effectively, and provide a sense of security to their partners.

Tip:  You’re doing great!  Keep fostering healthy communication and emotional balance.

 

Anxious Attachment StyleMostly B’s

You are likely to have an Anxious Attachment Style.  People with this style tend to have a deep fear of abandonment and a strong need for closeness.  They often overanalyse relationships, seek constant reassurance and may become overly dependent on their partners.  They can be highly sensitive to perceived rejection and may struggle with self worth.  This often stems from inconsistent caregiving in childhood, where love and attention were unpredictable.  In relationships, they may appear clingy, overly emotional, or fearful of their partner pulling away, which can create stress for both individuals.

Tip:  Cultivate a sense of  self-compassion, inner security and self-soothing.  Challenge negative thoughts.  You may benefit from therapy to deal with the emotional causes of this style and to help build up your emotional resilience and independence.

 

Avoidant Attachment StyleMostly C’s

You are likely to have an Avoidant Attachment Style.  Individuals with this style value independence and may struggle with emotional closeness.  They often suppress their feelings, avoid deep emotional connections, and feel uncomfortable relying on others.  Growing up, they may have had caregivers who were emotionally distant or dismissive, leading them to believe they can only rely on themselves.  In relationships, they may appear distant, uninterested, or emotionally unavailable, often pushing partners away to maintain their sense of autonomy  This can lead to difficulties in forming deep emotional bonds and maintaining long-term intimacy.

Tip:  To foster deeper connections, work on emotional vulnerability and expressing your needs.  Challenge negative thoughts.  You may benefit from having some therapy to help you deal with any blocks to this.

 

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment StyleMostly D’s

You are likely to have anxious and avoidant tendencies, often resulting from childhood trauma, inconsistent caregiving or emotional neglect.  People with this style crave intimacy but also fear it.  This leads to unpredictable behaviours in relationships.  They may struggle with trust, experience intense emotional highs and lows, and have difficulty feeling safe in close connections.  Their relationships may feel like an emotional rollercoaster, where they alternate between wanting closeness and withdrawing out of fear.  This can create instability and confusion for both partners.

Tip:  This is the most challenging style to resolve on your own.  You are likely to benefit greatly from therapy to help you heal from the wounds of the past and to cultivate more stable relationships.

 

Benefits of Understanding Your Attachment Style

In order to enjoy more fulfilling relationships, understanding your attachment style is crucial.  But it is not something you consciously choose:  rather it is a result of your response to your early years.  However, you don’t have to be stuck with it, especially when it causes a strain on your relationships.  An understanding of your attachment style is your first step.  Then you can make conscious choices about your responses to situations.  Follow the tips offered here but do also consider seeking professional help so can enjoy more healthy, satisfying, authentic relationships.  Do get in touch if you want to know more.

 

(C) Tricia Woolfrey

PS  If you want to know a little more about the theory of attachment styles, you may want to check this out.

*This is not a diagnosis but a simple tool to help you.  It needs your self-honesty and insight