Your mind replays a conversation and says “Why did I say that? I sounded like an idiot!” Or you’re looking in the mirror and say “I look terrible/too fat/too thin/too old” Or you have a big interview coming up and you say “Don’t mess this up!” Or you’re with a group of people and say to yourself “I don’t fit in”
Do any of these sound familiar? And how does that make you feel? Let me guess: not great.
Do you know we have thousands of thoughts a day, some say as many as 60,000. Our minds are constantly active. And, if that isn’t shocking enough, many of those are repeated day after day. The same thoughts on repeat like a stuck record, just in case we forget. And reinforcing any negative thoughts we have so that, before long, we believe them. In fact, we act as though our inner voice is our guiding principle, to be believed above all else.
Let me be clear, self-talk can be useful. It can help us solve probems, motivate, help us learn from experience and build confidence. But how many of your thoughts are useful in this way, compared with the number that are a source of stress, self-doubt, anxiety and even depression?
You may wonder whether it is easier not to have thoughts at all. A lot of people have the mistaken belief that mindfulness is the search for the no-thought mind. But thought is a natural human process. The key is that we don’t have to indulge all our thoughts. What I mean by that is to engage with them and have that to-and-fro conversation with yourself that just has you going round in circles, leaving you back where you started, or worse.
Thoughts can be toxic
There is a difference between constructive self-talk and destructive self-talk. You want your thoughts to be discerning, not destructive. If they leave you feeling deflated or even crushed, they are destructive. But if they are so positive as to be at best, hopeful, and at worst, delusional, that’s just a different type of toxic. It’s important to be honest and kind. They aren’t mutually exclusive. Learning how to turn the negative into a useful positive is a skill to cultivate. It helps you become the best version of yourself and to live the life you want to live.
Thoughts can be helpful
Sometimes we don’t give of our best and we can fall into self-criticism. But that just makes us feel worse. So, taking one of the examples given above “Why did I say that? I sounded like an idiot!”. How can you turn that around? For example “That didn’t come out the way I intended. Next time I will take time to think about my response.” This acknowledges that perhaps it wasn’t you at your best but invites your mind to shift from self-judgement to self-awareness and growth. It can be comforting to know that most people aren’t thinking about what you have said or done nearly so much as you do: they are far too busy thinking about what they have said or done.
How self-talk impacts us
Our self-talk can affect us hugely. Because we often, or even usually, believe our thoughts, they impact:
- Anxiety
- Stress
- Self-esteem
- Motivation
- Sleep
- Focus
- Health – chronic negative self-talk is linked to increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol which can weaken your immune system and raise blood pressure and disrupt sleep
- Belief systems. Belief systems are what we believe to be true and act as though they are. So when we repeat negative thoughts to ourselves, they become our limiting beliefs. The good news is you can transform them.
5 Tips to overcome negative self-talk
Left unchecked, our negative self-talk can be like living with a bully and sabotage your efforts to build the quality of life that you want for yourself. The good news? You don’t have to believe everything you think. Here are 5 tips to overcome negative self-talk.
- Label your thoughts. This creates awareness and some distance between you and your thoughts, having the effect of depersonalising them. For example “That was just a “what-if” thought” or “That’s a judgement” or “That’s the inner critic” or “That’s the fault-finder” Choose your own name but by labelling you are really softening any impact and, with the space created, gives you an opportunity to choose another thought
- Change the script. Just as we did in the example above, change what you are saying in a way that is not a self-delusion, just another way of looking at something. Other examples might be “My best is good enough and each time I get better” or “So what if I made a mistake? I can make good on it and I will know better next time”
- Pattern-interrupt. When you catch yourself in a spiral, use this thought-stopping tip to intterupt the pattern: simply say “Stop” and redirect your attention to something which is neutral or productive.
- Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness helps you to become aware of your thoughts without being attached to them. Using your breath as a focus is the easiest form of mindfulness: focus on your breath and when you get a thought, feeling or hear a sound, simply notice it like a cloud passing, and redirect your attention back to your breath (or whatever you have chosen as your focus for the practice). This teaches your mind that you are in control of it rather than the other way around. It isn’t about not having thoughts, but about deciding what thoughts you focus on. It’s a very gentle yet powerful mind-training technique.
- Practice self-compassion. Most people would not speak to a friend the way they speak to themselves. We would show more care and compassion. So, start treating yourself like you would a loved and dear friend.
Final thoughts
Self-talk isn’t a problem. In fact, it is perfectly natural. It is how you talk to yourself that matters. By becoming aware of your inner dialogue and learning to shift it, you can reduce stress, boost self-esteem and have a more peaceful, productive and supportive mindset. Relationships will improve – especially the one with yourself – and your health will too. Remember, the most important conversation you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.
And if you would like support in transforming your thinking, do get in touch to find out how I could help you.
To your health and happiness.
