Are you the kind of person whose anger gets them in a spot of bother every now and again? You wouldn’t be alone.
Or are you the kind of person who never gets angry? Again, you wouldn’t be alone.
But if you are the kind of person who ‘never gets angry’ that is not healthy. At all. The reason will be revealed in the following myths around anger management. And if your anger has consequences you had not intended, these myths may also help.
So, let’s have a look at what those myths are:
Actually anger is a healthy emotion. All emotions are healthy because they are like signposts to tell us that something in your life needs to be addressed. So, what is the message your anger is giving you? That depends as we are all different. But the most common one is a reaction to unfairness, of being wronged. What is your anger telling you?
Actually what is more true is that it is important to be ‘anger-responsive’. This means noticing the anger, acknowledge the reason for it and then choose your response, appropriate to the situation. As Aristotle said anybody can become angry – that’s easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time and in the right way is not easy. Anger-responsiveness is a skill which can be learned though and can make a huge difference to your relationships, your career and even your health.
Actually, the overwhelming likelihood is that an anger outburst is a reaction to a series of events in the past which have been triggered by what is happening in the moment. For example someone who gets angry that their partner is late is more likely to be angry with the fact that their partner is always late which reminds them of the other times when people didn’t consider their needs or have let them down. We can become sensitised to certain triggers which can cause a bigger reaction than a situation deserves. Does this strike a chord with you?
I notice that my clients fall into three main areas:
Avoidance doesn’t make the problem go away. It means you are building up a well of resentment that, before long, will explode out and usually to the wrong person, at the wrong time and in the wrong way. It may be that the cat is the one that gets it. Or you shout at the kids when they did little to deserve it. Or your health could be the fall-guy. But it does come out somewhere.
Anger Management is an art-form. If anger is having negative consequences on your life, learning how to be anger-responsive can make a huge difference to you and yours. You will feel an appropriate sense of control and peace.
Want to know more? Call me on 0345 130 0854.
© Tricia Woolfrey
I was reading an article about The Crown star Claire Foy for whom the stress of filming, motherhood, and the breakdown of her marriage left her with exhaustion and infection, necessitating six weeks off work.
If you are someone who pushes yourself through stressors, or find that too many things are happening at once, the stress can come out in physical symptoms such as fatigue, migraines, IBS, or a lowered immune system, amongst other things.
The problem is that when self-care is so far down your list of priorities, you put yourself at risk of burnout (in Claire’s case) or breakdown. It’s just too big a burden for the body to carry.
As Claire said “You can keep yourself going for a long time, and that’s what I have pretty much been doing since I gave birth. My body has paid the price.” Continue reading
Anger management is often considered suitable only for those who have a habit of exploding. Not so. It helps everyone with their anger, including those who don’t recognise or acknowledge this emotion in themselves or express it to others. Anger is one of those emotions that is misunderstood and, for many, it is considered as inappropriate or even bad.
However, it is both natural and healthy to feel anger. It is just when it not expressed appropriately, or not expressed at all that it can cause problems.
When a client says to me that they never get angry, it is a concern as it is often a sign of suppression, usually subconscious. The person often has physical symptoms that don’t clear up by usual means. Symptoms such as insomnia, migraines, aches and pains, eczema, etc.
Like all of our emotions, anger has a purpose: to signal that something needs your Continue reading
I was listening to the radio last week when I heard the presenter (Chris Evans) say “What’s the point in having a mind if you can’t change it?”
Of course, my ears pricked up at that and it got me thinking: if you have a point of view, is it a good thing or a bad thing to stick to it?
After much mulling, I decided that it was both good and bad, and here is how:
Not being easily swayed to someone else’s view can be an indication of a strong sense of self, being a person of principle, not easily swayed. If you are simply a mirror for someone else’s opinions, then what do you stand for? Who are you?
It can be a sign that you are rigid in your thinking, not open to new information which, given due consideration, can change your perspective on a situation in a way which empowers. It can be a sign that you are simply seeking validation for currently held views – something called confirmation bias. We are all prone to it, unconsciously, and it can keep us trapped.
Since thoughts create feelings and feelings create behaviours and behaviours create results, if you always think what you always thought, you could be stuck in a situation which no longer serves. Thoughts and beliefs are just opinions, they are not fact, and they can limit you if you are not aware. Widening your perspective, being open to new ideas, can create more opportunities. It can also ease conflict, enabling a win-win to be achieved. It can be a platform for growth and for a stronger, more honest relationship with yourself and others.
Getting the balance right
So, how do you know if you are being sufficiently flexible-rigid? If you never change your mind about anything, you are probably a rigid thinker. If you are always changing your mind, it means you’re unlikely to have a strong sense of self. You need a balance of holding certain views and beliefs, and considering others before adopting them as valid for you. It requires an openness, a willingness to see another perspective and the ability to take a balanced view.
It is useful to develop the ability to look for evidence for and against an idea before adopting it as ‘truth’. It’s a real gift to be able to take in new information and see it objectively before deciding whether to allow it to affect your original stance.
Is your umbrella open?
It was Walter Gropius who said that your mind is like an umbrella, it functions best when open. And I couldn’t agree more.
If this resonates with you at all and you would like some support to help you develop your perspective, do feel free to call for an informal chat on 0345 130 0854.
It’s fair to say that there aren’t many people who like to feel discomfort. Given the choice, we will opt for feelings of ease and comfort every time. And why not?
However, never allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable can be a sign that you are becoming “comfort-zone restricted”. Comfort is the path of least resistance but it is also the path of least growth.
If there’s a breakthrough you are seeking in your life, it’s important to cultivate the ability to tolerate the discomfort associated with change. Think about those daisies which pop up through the cracks in the concrete – there was determination to push through, even if it didn’t feel good at the time. But the rewards are there. You get to flourish and grow. As you were meant to do. Continue reading
How many times are you told to listen to your gut? It is supposed to be the seat of your instinct: that biological tendency to react in a particular way. It’s subliminal, meaning that it doesn’t come from conscious thought, but a sense of ‘knowing’.
Often we ignore it at our peril. But also, at times, we pay too much attention to it at our peril. Why? Because it may not be what it seems: You have a part of your psyche which protects you from harm. Sometimes it can be so protective that it in itself causes harm because it makes decisions based on fear rather than from a sense of your highest good.
If you have ever not gone for that dream job because ‘where you are isn’t so bad’; or you haven’t had the important conversation with someone because ‘the time isn’t right’; or you didn’t ask someone for a date in case you got a ‘no’, you will know what I’m talking about. It is the part of you that is ruled by fear of success, failure, rejection and more. This isn’t your true instinct but your fear. And it can be pretty good at convincing you otherwise – giving you a lot of excuses why you think this way. But it blocks your ability to grow, to widen your comfort zone, to become the best version of yourself and to live a full life.
Getting in touch with your gut
So, what can you do about it? Here are four techniques to help you: Continue reading
Long working hours, job insecurity, reality TV, materialism and the economy can distract us from what is really important.
Whilst we are living in a world where we have many ways of communicating, we are bombarded with so much information – as well as demands on us by our families and work – that we may find ourselves feeling distracted and isolated. As the years go by, there appears to be less connection between individuals, people are less patient and strangers view each other suspiciously. The world seems to be turning into a lonelier and harsher place.
When two people argue and there seems no way to resolve it, there are factors at play which interfere with the truth. Continue reading
I’ve been helping people for over 20 years now and something has become really clear: people can come up with all kinds of explanations to not doing those things which will help them transform their lives. These come principally in two guises. A reason or an excuse. But, what’s the difference? And does it matter? Let’s look at the difference first: Continue reading
Sometimes we sail through life at such speed, we are unaware of what’s happening to us or the effect this is having. However, stress has consequences on your life, your relationships , your career and your health, often by stealth.
Stressors have multiple minor sources (eg losing your keys); or a couple of things which are low level but consistent and slowly eroding your resilience (eg a neighbour who keeps taking your parking space); or it may be something huge which has happened to you, whether long ago, or recently. Continue reading