Co-dependence can be described as the need for a person to be a certain way in order for you to be OK. If you are more concerned with others’ needs than your own, is this selflessness or is it co-dependence? If you find yourself regularly ‘rescuing’ others, not only is this an indicator for co-dependence but it also means you are denying them the gift of growth. Any painful experience is an invitation to learn and grow from it. We can’t if we are being rescued. So, painful as it may be to hear, before you know it, you could become part of the problem, rather than part of the solution, even if it doesn’t feel that way. So, here are three steps to help you overcome it: Continue reading
I was listening to the radio last week when I heard the presenter (Chris Evans) say “What’s the point in having a mind if you can’t change it?”
Of course, my ears pricked up at that and it got me thinking: if you have a point of view, is it a good thing or a bad thing to stick to it?
After much mulling, I decided that it was both good and bad, and here is how:
Not being easily swayed to someone else’s view can be an indication of a strong sense of self, being a person of principle, not easily swayed. If you are simply a mirror for someone else’s opinions, then what do you stand for? Who are you?
It can be a sign that you are rigid in your thinking, not open to new information which, given due consideration, can change your perspective on a situation in a way which empowers. It can be a sign that you are simply seeking validation for currently held views – something called confirmation bias. We are all prone to it, unconsciously, and it can keep us trapped.
Since thoughts create feelings and feelings create behaviours and behaviours create results, if you always think what you always thought, you could be stuck in a situation which no longer serves. Thoughts and beliefs are just opinions, they are not fact, and they can limit you if you are not aware. Widening your perspective, being open to new ideas, can create more opportunities. It can also ease conflict, enabling a win-win to be achieved. It can be a platform for growth and for a stronger, more honest relationship with yourself and others.
Getting the balance right
So, how do you know if you are being sufficiently flexible-rigid? If you never change your mind about anything, you are probably a rigid thinker. If you are always changing your mind, it means you’re unlikely to have a strong sense of self. You need a balance of holding certain views and beliefs, and considering others before adopting them as valid for you. It requires an openness, a willingness to see another perspective and the ability to take a balanced view.
It is useful to develop the ability to look for evidence for and against an idea before adopting it as ‘truth’. It’s a real gift to be able to take in new information and see it objectively before deciding whether to allow it to affect your original stance.
Is your umbrella open?
It was Walter Gropius who said that your mind is like an umbrella, it functions best when open. And I couldn’t agree more.
If this resonates with you at all and you would like some support to help you develop your perspective, do feel free to call for an informal chat on 0345 130 0854.
It’s fair to say that there aren’t many people who like to feel discomfort. Given the choice, we will opt for feelings of ease and comfort every time. And why not?
However, never allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable can be a sign that you are becoming “comfort-zone restricted”. Comfort is the path of least resistance but it is also the path of least growth.
If there’s a breakthrough you are seeking in your life, it’s important to cultivate the ability to tolerate the discomfort associated with change. Think about those daisies which pop up through the cracks in the concrete – there was determination to push through, even if it didn’t feel good at the time. But the rewards are there. You get to flourish and grow. As you were meant to do. Continue reading
How many times are you told to listen to your gut? It is supposed to be the seat of your instinct: that biological tendency to react in a particular way. It’s subliminal, meaning that it doesn’t come from conscious thought, but a sense of ‘knowing’.
Often we ignore it at our peril. But also, at times, we pay too much attention to it at our peril. Why? Because it may not be what it seems: You have a part of your psyche which protects you from harm. Sometimes it can be so protective that it in itself causes harm because it makes decisions based on fear rather than from a sense of your highest good.
If you have ever not gone for that dream job because ‘where you are isn’t so bad’; or you haven’t had the important conversation with someone because ‘the time isn’t right’; or you didn’t ask someone for a date in case you got a ‘no’, you will know what I’m talking about. It is the part of you that is ruled by fear of success, failure, rejection and more. This isn’t your true instinct but your fear. And it can be pretty good at convincing you otherwise – giving you a lot of excuses why you think this way. But it blocks your ability to grow, to widen your comfort zone, to become the best version of yourself and to live a full life.
Getting in touch with your gut
So, what can you do about it? Here are four techniques to help you: Continue reading
We often have two choices: to fall the level of our excuses, or to rise to the level of our potential. I heard that phrase somewhere and it really struck a chord.
But, boy can that sofa be tempting. And the ironing seem alluring. And haven’t you done enough to deserve catching up on your favourite box-set?
But excuses lead to a much less comfortable place: the place of regret. Continue reading
Most of us have habits we want to break, traits we want to refine or skills we want to develop. But it can be hard. Why? Because we are working against ingrained programming that have developed over our lifetime. Some of them are inherited traits (nature) and others have formed through the passage of time (nurture).
However, just because this is part of your programming, doesn’t mean you are stuck with them for life. The principles of neuroplasticity prove that you can, literally, change your mind.
The brain forms connections each time something is Continue reading
Whatever you believe to be true about life, one thing is certain – time passes whether you like it or not. This, in turn, means that one of three things have happened:
1. You have moved closer to your goals
2. You have stayed where you are
3. You have slipped backwards
Today is tomorrow’s yesterday and whatever decisions you make today will affect your tomorrows.
It was Einstein who said that you can’t fix a problem with the same thinking that caused it. This is one of the reasons why people stay stuck. Not for the want of trying. But it can feel like a constant internal battle which drains your energy and your confidence. Not only that but it can take you in the opposite direction to where you want to be. Maybe a millimetre at a time so you hardly notice at first, but before long you are way off track, and finding your way back can seem like wading up a treacle-draped mountain in ill-fitting slippers and with your eyes closed.
Many people are guided by poor role models, past experiences, habits or fear. And efforts can be limited by not having the right experiences or the right insights to develop the results you are looking for. But what to do about it? Continue reading
A few days into 2017 and already many New Year’s Resolutions will be faltering, despite best intentions. This isn’t because people are weak but because the psyche is complicated. Knowing how to navigate the obstacles to achieve what you want for yourself is important if you are serious about making change happen. Most resolutions are about breaking bad habits. This is trickier than learning a new skill because first of all you are unlearning another skill – one which has become a default pattern and which you can do without thinking. Change, therefore requires thought and attention.
This article shares with you five top reasons that change is difficult and what you can do about them.
In the last article, I explained that feelings are your signposts to what is happening in your life. We explored the seven main negative emotions which, when ignored can cause them to become stronger, as though they are shouting to be heard. When you listen to what your feelings are telling you and respond appropriately, you are on your way to feeling a lot better about yourself, gaining perspective on a situation and having a healthier relationship with yourself and others. Yet, we tend to suppress, repress and distract, often with what I call “too-muching” behaviours like eating more, drinking more, smoking more, spending more time on social media or buying something else you don’t need.
However, these just cause the feelings to become more powerful as they fight for acknowledgement. Failing to do so can lead to health problems, depression, relationship problems and more. So, once you have acknowledged the feeling, what should you do about it? This article offers some constructive ways of dealing with negative feelings.
There are three main ways you can help yourself: Continue reading